Grace
TLDR:
(too long, didn’t read)Reflecting on Personal and Global Turmoil: This period has been a challenging journey, marked by personal struggles and the weight of global events, urging me to seek deeper understanding and solace beyond immediate reality.
Embracing Compassion Amidst Turmoil: Amidst this tumultuous season, I find resonance in the analogy of illness, recognizing the need for compassion and acceptance, especially when solutions seem elusive.
Learning the Lesson of Grace Over Action: As someone inclined towards action and solutions, grappling with the realization that sometimes grace, rather than action, is the most fitting response has been a profound lesson.
Acknowledging the Limits of Control: Accepting the limitations of control, whether in personal afflictions or larger world events, entails a disposition of grace and a willingness to sit with discomfort.
Finding Comfort in Shared Struggles: In extending encouragement to others facing similar struggles, I find solace in the shared experience of existential pain, acknowledging that while this battle may be challenging, we are not alone in our journey towards healing and resilience.
Give Me the Deets!
Give me the juicy detailsThis season has had me reaching for something higher. Something to pull myself up to. Some lens to view the world through that is not not reality, but something that is not what I am currently seeing from where I am sitting. When I say season, I mean this year, this era in our culture, this culmination of world events and especially wars, and this holiday season. Between personal life events and all of the externals that are completely out of my control, I would be lying to say I feel fine. As I have been in suffering, I know I am not alone. While the suffering inherently feels existential and like it is solely mine, I am able to better see that the connections or lack of connections I have or don't have are also caused by other peoples’ suffering.
When someone is physically ill, we don’t tell them to just get better. And this analogy has given me the space to breathe. This is personal, and I can’t say I know who I am writing this for, or who needs to hear this now other than myself, but maybe the people who love you and who also can’t be with you are doing their best. Maybe the loved ones we’ve lost have done their best. I think and write about compassion often, but compassion often compels us to action. As in the “reveille” that awakens in us the conviction we need to move; I am talking about the opposite of this. Sometimes there is no action to be made. Sometimes there are actions we can take that will not move the mountain. We can get down on our knees and pray, and wait. But often, even after all of that, we are not left with an answer or solution that corrects the situation, brings anyone back to life, brings anyone back to our life, stops the war, or causes other people to have compassion for themselves or others.
In these cases, grace is called for. Grace is the answer and the (in)action. Accepting the for now, unknown,or even a sour truth, necessitates a disposition of generosity, kindness, and forgiveness with ourselves, others, and situations that don’t seem acceptable. Don’t get me wrong, I do not mean staying in abusive environments, hurting ourselves or others, and the like. I am speaking of mental and physical ailments of ourselves and others, and conclusions to events that are not favorable but also not changeable. People who do not need to read this, may right this moment be thinking, “Oh you mean just accept reality? Duh!” So if you read this far, and don’t understand, it’s okay that this specific post isn’t for you.
If you are an avid reader, or even occasional reader, you can probably tell that I am the kind of person who likes to have a solution, or an action, that maybe if not the exact solution, some small measure of making the world better for ourselves and others. Sometimes we can try, and try the very best to the very limits of our ability, getting way farther than we thought possible, and also still fail. Or like in the larger world events or situations that have nothing to do with us other than being attached to a loved one, there is no action that we can personally take to help, except maybe be there for the fallout. We can have the grace to sit in the ashes. To be okay with not being okay. To know that there is no happy ending here in this particular situation, at least not today, and/ or not for you.
I know this sounds terrible. After writing it all out, I can’t think of another way to capture what I mean. There is a grace to accepting that sometimes nothing can be done. And it fucking sucks. But it doesn’t change the fact that it’s out of our hands. So we do the little things for ourselves and others. We find other things to think about and do. We don’t have to almost kill ourselves over and over because we can’t fix it. It is okay. It may not feel okay. We may not feel okay. And that is okay. When we are ready, we can pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off, and tackle some other thing. But it’s okay to sit or lay here for a while. It’s okay to take time and distance. It’s okay to distract yourself. It’s ok to give ourselves grace when life is hard.
As a last note, I want to encourage whoever needs it. You are not alone. Yes, maybe you are physically alone where you are. Maybe you are alone for this season. But there are people, probably very close(in distance) to you, experiencing a very similar pain. Or maybe they are actually far away experiencing your pain. And while it sucks we are in pain, we are together experiencing this existential experience. And while this fight may be lost, there will be future fights if you decide to get out there again. If you are able to get out there again. If for whatever reason you are not able, know that you are not alone there either. When I can, I will take your nameless spirit with me as I continue to fight until I can’t anymore.
Sending you all a big hug,
Reveille
