TLDR:

(too long, didn’t read)

• Growing Up in Chaos: As the child of a functional alcoholic, I didn’t realize my childhood “normal” was shaped by addiction until much later in life.

• The Laundry List: ACA’s “Laundry List” revealed the coping mechanisms I developed as a child, like approval-seeking, fear of abandonment, and over-responsibility.

• Healing Through Self-Awareness: Understanding these patterns helped me see them not as flaws, but as survival strategies—and empowered me to choose healthier behaviors.

• Letting Go of Blame: Self-compassion has been key to my healing. I’ve learned to forgive the choices young me made to cope and embrace the strength those experiences gave me.

• You’re Not Alone: If you relate to this story, know that resources like ACA, workbooks, and support groups are out there to help you heal and rewrite your story.

Give Me the Deets!

Give me the juicy details

A Love Letter to Resilience

The smell of light beer and cigarettes will always remind me of hugs from my grandma and my birth mother’s general presence. Nostalgia is funny like that—it attaches itself to the most unlikely things. Growing up, I didn’t know what a “functional alcoholic” was. Honestly, I didn’t even realize my mother was one until my mid-twenties.

My cousin casually dropped the truth bomb: “Yes, she’s a functional alcoholic. Why do you think she screamed at us in the car whenever we saw a cop? She always had an open container in the front seat, even at 7 a.m. on the way to school.”

That sentence hit me like a slap in the face—minus the drama, just pure reality. Suddenly, I was reexamining my entire childhood. How could I not have known? The truth is, when you grow up with an addicted parent, your normal is just… normal. You adapt, you compensate, and you don’t question it.

Writing this post feels like airing out the family laundry on a very public clothesline. Vulnerability is hard. Even now, part of me feels like I’m betraying my mom by talking about this. But I also know this: healing doesn’t happen in silence. And as much as my childhood was challenging, it also made me resilient in ways I’m still discovering.

Discovery: The Laundry List

In my mid-thirties, pregnant and escaping a bad relationship, I stumbled across something called Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA). I was floored. There were words—actual words—for the things I’d felt and behaviors I made all my life but couldn’t explain. Enter: The Laundry List.

The Laundry List isn’t what you’d call light reading. It’s like being handed a mirror and saying, “Here’s every coping mechanism you ever developed. Surprise!” But here’s the thing: it’s not a list of flaws. It’s a survival guide written by the kid-you-were for the adult-you’ve-become.

Some greatest hits from the list:

• Approval Seeking: "If I just try harder, they’ll love me, right?" Spoiler: love doesn’t work that way, but hey, you’re amazing for trying!

• Over-responsibility: "I’ll handle everything because it’s easier than facing my own feelings."

• Addiction to Drama: "Peace is boring. Let’s set something on fire emotionally and call it passion."

• Confusing Love and Pity: "They’re a walking red flag, but I can fix them. Let me love them harder!"

Sound familiar? Yeah, me too.

The Power of Self-Discovery

Here’s what I’ve learned: growing up in chaos doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re adaptable, resourceful, and ridiculously strong. Sure, some of those traits might need fine-tuning. (Looking at you, guilt for standing up for myself!) But the moment you start unpacking these patterns, you realize they don’t define you—they were survival tools. And now? You’re free to trade them in for something better.

For me, that shift started with letting go of blame. Young me did the best she could with the tools she had. And now, adult me gets to choose who I want to be. Spoiler alert: it’s someone who fiercely protects her peace and has zero tolerance for chaos (unless it’s toddler-related).

A New Kind of Normal

If any of this resonates with you, let me say this: you’re not alone, and you’re not “too much.” You’re human. There are so many resources out there—online groups, workbooks, or even just heartfelt conversations with people who’ve walked similar paths.

It’s okay to take it slow. Maybe you read a book, attend a meeting, or just journal about your experiences. Healing isn’t a race. It’s more like assembling IKEA furniture—you’ll curse, laugh, and maybe cry a little, but eventually, it all comes together.

The Best Part?

Here’s the magic of all this work: you get to redefine what normal means for you. For me, it’s a life where love doesn’t feel like a rescue mission, peace isn’t boring, and approval starts from within. And let me tell you, it’s a pretty great way to live.

So, if you’re reading this and feeling seen, I hope it reminds you of one thing: you’re a warrior. Your past doesn’t define you—it strengthens you. Knowledge is power, but self-compassion? That’s the real game-changer.

Also, ACA isn’t just for children of addicts. Any chronically dysfunctional home will bring out the same/similar environment, which impacts the experience of the children there. Take what helps and leave the rest.

Much Love,

Astrid M